Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
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Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
Salad is the decaf of food.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.