Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
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My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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I’m not saying I order from Amazon a lot, but I just received a wedding invitation from my delivery guy…
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
I took the first step towards cleaning out my closet today. I went in there and looked it over good.
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
*puts cutlery down*
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.