Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
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[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”