[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
You Might Also Like
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
My mom asked what my office does for faxing since we’re completely remote, so I had to tell her we’re actually located in 2024
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
“Keep pouring, Ann. You’re not gonna BELIEVE what your dog did today.”
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?