Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?

Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.

Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.

When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.

Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.

got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite

I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.

Life is hard.

christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks

my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me

My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.

There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.

What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!

“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.

Where’s Waldo?

*Leans in*

Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither

4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.

This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.

For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.

The honesty is refreshing

nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper

An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.

Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?

Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.

19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”

*making screwdrivers*

Me: I let my guard down.

Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.

After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.

Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,

Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.

I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!

still really wild that Starbucks built its brand on ~artisanal cozy vibes~ and now it feels like you’re in there to get a blood test

I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.