Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
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“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
dude it’s called proctologist
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win, I guess.
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
Put a bar inside Home Depot you cowards.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
the three branches of government
All I need is 16 hours of complete solitude, three meals, two snacks, four cups of tea, and time to read the whole Internet twice and I’m ready to take on the day for a good 15 minutes before going back to bed.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
The way this guy who wants today’s newspaper is low-key gonna find the guy in the branch who currently has today’s newspaper even if he has to search every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse to do it
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
A police officer just stopped me due to the terrible state of the sleeve on my cardigan, which is covered in small balls of thread. I’ve been charged with grievous bobbly arm 😔