Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
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[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
I keep screenshots the way my husband keeps old cords, stored neatly away until the day I might need them.
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
should i airdrop this to the person in the voting booth next to me
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders