Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.

it’s soup season and this is my favorite soup

I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.

deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)

my friend: i really need your help with getting over my ex…

me after stalking my ex’s IG & every girl he follows for the last 4 hours: omg yes ofc you’ve come to the right person

Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X

Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!

Wife: But we d..

*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores

[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss

If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.

You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.

me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?

wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns

the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal

Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband

My wife thought I was going to the gym because I left in sweatpants, with a sweat towel and a gallon of water.

I was going to the all you can eat Chinese buffet.

If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.

[After date, walking her to her door]

Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.

Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets

I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.

6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥

*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”

There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds

I peeled 5 pounds of potatoes. That’s 14 newton-meters for the Europeans

Me: I wonder why my lower back hurts

My period: yeah what a mystery

my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”

me: “you’ll have to be more specific”

Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.

At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.

i would not return the monkeys, I would simply inexplicably have 43 new ugly little children

Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:

[6 AM]

Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.

Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day