Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
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Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
This is enough internet for the day.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
$20k in my bank account (the k is silent)
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
When waiting for a flight, there’s always one guy at the gate that makes you think, “As long as I’m not sitting next to him, I’ll be fine.”
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.