Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
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Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
bringing 3 beans to the state fair so I can use them to barter for cows
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?