Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Petition to change the name of rice cakes to something else as they are 100% rice and 0% cake and I’m tired of all the gaslighting

Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:

[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.

(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?

[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*

Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”

The kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were pretty dumb if they couldn’t figure out that their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time

-Do you have this t-shirt on large
-Sir, it’s a yard sale

A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?

If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.

Remember candidates for class president making promises for things they would have no power to implement? Just like real presidential candidates.

By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl

My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!

My gf 2nd month: listen

*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*

Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.

I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.

what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??

Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.

Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years

Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.

*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL

Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery

Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now

NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.

[30 seconds later]

NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.

convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”

Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.

Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.

My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?

Me : Because a good employee is hard to find

God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine

Saturday

Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.