Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.

7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”

😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️

My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.

Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you

Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.

Twitter is fun because you can tweet about hashbrowns and someone will say you are responsible for genocide.

Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals

Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart

*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*

Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.

Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.

How to really enjoy the rain:

1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits

My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol

Priest: That’s your eulogy?

i just found out my husband has a hot dog counter on his phone to track his yearly intake of hot dogs

watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome

Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered

I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house

[first day as a flight attendant]

Pilot: tell them we’re descending

Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN

Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic

Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER

Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.

“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?

Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.

Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?

– Horton Hears a Hugh

Job interviewer: What are your strengths?

Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?

JI: Yes.

Me: I’m very perceptive.

Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*

me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield

6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that

Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that

THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on

Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.

Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.

Electrical engineer: Dead battery.

Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.

IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.