Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
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#damn
Did everyone recover from the TikTok ban?! 🤣😂
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
It was worth a shot 😂
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
just bought 4 pounds of cherries like I’m in some f***ing math problem
The news: Let’s ask a random idiot on the street what they think.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
[after eating a weird candy on the willy wonka tour]
me: ok…I think I’m ok. none of my body parts seem to be effected, and they’d be singing if—oompa loompa: 🎶oompa loompa doompety deenis🎶
me: aaaah… darn. darn it.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.