Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
You Might Also Like
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
my favorite thing about halloween is watching couples fight, name any other time you get to see a drunk penguin break up with a sobbing deadpool cause he was hitting on a sexy crayola box
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
[struggling to get out of a hammock] come here and say that
Fluff me with a fork baby
I lost my car chapstick so I’ll have to replace it with purse chapstick and I’ll replace purse chapstick with kitchen chapstick and I’ll replace that with bathroom chapstick and then that moves the bedroom chapstick…
I’m never going to recover from this.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
date: I like guys who are not afraid to show their artistic side
me: [to waiter] can I get a crayon and kid’s menu
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
city officials are like “those potholes are supposed to be there.”