Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy

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Asterisks are awesome.

*tosses a midget dressed in sexy maid outfit off the Eiffel Tower with parachute made of pancakes*


If my dog has taught me anything it’s if you’re tired just lie down anywhere


I definitely could NOT be a surgeon. blood freaks me out when I’m high


[job interview]

“What’s your greatest weakness?”


“Umm ok, how about strengths?”

*pouring him a shot* Sharing


once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches


Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?

Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.


Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?


If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…

…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.


There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”