@sarah_edo

Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy

You Might Also Like

@vinfury

Asterisks are awesome.

*tosses a midget dressed in sexy maid outfit off the Eiffel Tower with parachute made of pancakes*

@rowdyforsheriff

If my dog has taught me anything it’s if you’re tired just lie down anywhere

@wankcity

I definitely could NOT be a surgeon. blood freaks me out when I’m high

@dafloydsta

[job interview]

“What’s your greatest weakness?”

Alcohol

“Umm ok, how about strengths?”

*pouring him a shot* Sharing

@onefatman

once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches

@generaldietz

Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?

Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.

@JJSummertime

Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?

@DiamondLou69

If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…

…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.

@simoncholland

There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”