Asterisks are awesome.
*tosses a midget dressed in sexy maid outfit off the Eiffel Tower with parachute made of pancakes*
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If my dog has taught me anything it’s if you’re tired just lie down anywhere
I definitely could NOT be a surgeon. blood freaks me out when I’m high
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”