DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
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Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food