Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
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*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
if the plane can’t go to the gate, that has nothing to do with me. We landed. I can get out and walk
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
What to make for dinner: the chicken with the green things they hate, the chicken with the sauce they hate, or the plain chicken they hate?
Super Hand Dog Face
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault