Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
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If I don’t get ordained as a priest and install a mirror in my confessional I’ll never forgive myself.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
I know it’s traditional to start work at 9, but I think we could lower that age to 8.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition. I put in my too weak notice
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
Told my kids I’m gonna be a toilet for Halloween cause of all the shit I take from them.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.