Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
You Might Also Like
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
We really need to find out who the person responsible for coming up with the “Jump To Recipe” button on cooking websites is and set a day aside so we can properly honor them for the wonderful thing they did for society.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
Lucky old June.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
Not helping
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
