Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
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Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.