Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
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I don’t have a yoga mat, but I have a Twister mat, and it’s the same thing.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
Housework is boring, and it is futile. You make the bed, you do the dishes. Six months later, you got to start all over again. JOAN RIVERS
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
The only thing stopping cheesecake from being a breakfast food is you.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
The best shot in the history of golf
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.