Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that

LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it

amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂

me: it is not

amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂

me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox

amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?

me: that isn’t possible

amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))

Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentator

Pfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand

3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once

Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.

Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”

Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.

As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.

It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.

“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”

“Are you drunk?”

“How do you know?”

“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”

#MothersDay

Me: *making a snow angel*

Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor

Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.

Ever think of that??

Who called it baking and not making love

JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food

ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”

I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.

She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”

5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times

3: ok. sorry fifty times

I may be a middle aged suburban male but I still enjoy going out*, picking up hot chicks** & bringing them home.

*to Costco
** rotisserie chickens

The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.

It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine

Vader: I AM your father.

Luke: Why are you telling me this now?

Vader:

Luke:

Vader: I need a kidney.

Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.

~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021

A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.

Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.

“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am

if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised

People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.

When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos

I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.

Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger

Me, a realtor: Absolutely

Wife: And not a bounce house

Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean