Someone should probably go check on Steve.
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Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
Stages of beard length:
1.) sexy stubble
2.) sea captain
3.) prisoner of war
4.) homeless person
5.) wizard
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
Hallmark needs to start making Hallowe’en romances. She’s a gal from the big city seeking a new life in a small town. He’s a mysterious horseman cursed to throw his flaming head at passersby for eternity. And when these two meet one night, sparks, and heads, will fly.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
Everyone else wants to talk about sex, and I just want to talk about cholera.
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.