“Someone should really clean these gutters,” I say out loud, having lived alone for a decade.
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[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
I’m starting to regret building that time portal. A version of me from a dystopian alternate future keeps coming back to eat my chips. He says the alien government’s killbots won’t let them have snacks, but he always shows up covered in Cheeto dust.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
My nearest bus stop is near a local dealers house. I’ll stare at whoever is at the door until they look in my direction and I’ll quickly look away and touch my ear like I’m an undercover cop on a stake out. In the 2 years I’ve been doing this I’ve made 3 people walk away quickly
Things will get butter, keep churning