“Someone should really clean these gutters,” I say out loud, having lived alone for a decade.
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*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
Shout out to humans as bipedals, positively freakish the way our posture’s all straight up and vulnerable. Nobody in the game doin it like we do
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.