“Someone should really clean these gutters,” I say out loud, having lived alone for a decade.
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My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
*performs CPR on the turkey*
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
plums roundup
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Name this drama.
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking