Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???

Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun

I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.

Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.

When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.

My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips

My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:

NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY

NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY

*finally drifting off to sleep*

Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK

the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson

Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal

settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids

(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k

(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?

Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?

At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter

ㅤ

Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.

Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.

(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes

We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices

{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.

Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2

Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2

WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.

[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water

Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint

Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now

When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe

“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”

“We’re still married, Grandma.”

“She’s such a lovely girl.”

I hope this email punches you square in the face

This is not an empty room, this is a very succesful anti-party

I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.

People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots

While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.