Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
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Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
Ghosts can’t cut or color their hair; hence they’re supernatural
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Goat cheese is for herders.
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[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
Aight bet
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
