Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.

They become even more annoying.

I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.

wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father

me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that

I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.

“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”

Make me an entire website @funTweeters!

Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight

Him: It’s ok, babe

Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?

The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin

T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!

T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…

Guy walking in on me in the bathroom

Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.

I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.

What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.

BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes

EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?

BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.

My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy

Driving in Europe vs Canada

Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on

Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.

WAITER: what can I get you?

ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having

WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*

I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.

COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE

“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”

COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM

When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…

Little known fact:

Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.

How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?

Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)

Me: Mmm, this tastes good.

Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!

I wish my hair had as much volume as my mouth.

[reading The Night Before Christmas]

son: what’s a kerchief?

daughter: what’s a clatter?

son: what’s a sash?

daughter: what are coursers?

son: what’s soot?

daughter: what’s a peddler?

son: what’s a thistle?

me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.

You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?

Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.

All the characters in the 2006 sci-fi comedy ‘Idiocracy’ wear Crocs because the costume designer thought they were futuristic and too ugly to ever become popular in real life

I’m making fish cakes covered in breadcrumbs. I’ve never been covered in breadcrumbs before, never mind made fish cakes.

Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.

Me ending every email:

THanks!

THanks{backspace}

THank{backspace}

THan{backspace}

THa{backspace}

TH{backspace}

Thanks!