Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
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My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
There’s no “us” in nachos.
this summer i’m going cicada mode (emerging briefly from my house and being really loud until i find a mate)
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
A friend helps you before you need it
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
Them: There are no stupid questions
Me: Is Dakota Johnson supposed to be North or South?
Them: There is one stupid question
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.