A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
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6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no