Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
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Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
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If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
*sails into the Bermuda Triangle and disappears*
*an hour later*
7yo: Oh, there you are. Can I play video games?
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
How to make ‘Small Talk’ with an Introvert:
Step 1: Identify the introvert
Step 2: Smile at the introvert and walk away without speaking
Step 3: Understand that the introvert enjoyed your time together
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.