Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??

One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.

*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*

See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket

Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids

1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.

2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.

[first date]

I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.

*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*

-Yeah, totally.

Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night

i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy

My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.

My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.

Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….

4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?

Me: No. You always go in the potty

4: I can stop

Me:

Apparently I negotiate with terrorists

Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?

Me: …hiss like a cat?

9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge

Me: yes

9: you gonna cook it?

Me: yes

9: I love you

Me: I know

My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?

Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES

When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.

Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”

“Paper beats rock, Charles!”

when someone messages me a minute after i login to work

[Violently kicking down the door of an elderly care nursing facility]

I NEED VOLUNTEERS TO RUN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”

She: “Halloween mode?”

He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”

#Halloween #RubbishJokes

Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.

Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter

Me, hand on the fire alarm:

Coworker: I think you’re funny

Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes

When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.

Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”

That very depressing moment when you find out the fire alarm that went off at work was just a test

Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.

me: i want to save this document

computer: great, just click save

me: ok i want to save it as something else

computer: easy, save as

me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf

computer: print

I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over

Angry when I have to prove I’m not a robot and angry at those who built the robots for whom I am held accountable for.

Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples