Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
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If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
I have a new favorite meme page
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Be the reason they start searching bags for googly eyes at the entrance to your local zoo
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!