Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
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At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
I asked my 6 year old if he wanted to try out again for the school play and he said no I think I’ll take a break from Hollywood.