Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.

Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”

Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.

Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.

Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.

is nasa ok

Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic

I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks

my friend: i really need your help with getting over my ex…

me after stalking my ex’s IG & every girl he follows for the last 4 hours: omg yes ofc you’ve come to the right person

1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us

Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!

Enjoy visiting French vineyards? Then our flight school might be just what you’re looking for.

Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.

I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.

Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.

HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl

It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story

Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.

*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*

There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.

Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.

The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…

CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?

ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure

*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*

My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri

[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.

There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.

choose your fighter(holiday edition)

Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact

“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”

SURE!

…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348

Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.

If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.

I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.