Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.

[at the opera]

Date: this is going on forever

Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing

Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.

Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.

Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6

Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons

SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*

I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.

friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.

watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them

[Dentist waiting room]

Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-

Other patients: teeth, TEETH

Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!

Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans

I think this jacket they gave me at this psychiatric facility is gay but everyone keeps telling me it’s straight.

It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.

“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”

8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head

If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.

My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.

Laziness level: expert.

5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.

I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.

Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection

Answers phone breathlessly

Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…

Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.

So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.

I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years

I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator

Friend: What have you been watching lately?

Me: Zoom

i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside

If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.

me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER

Caesar [dying]: remember me

Soldier: we will name a salad after you

Caesar: ok

Soldier: with stale chunks of bread

Caesar: actually nev-

Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese

Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me