Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.

Me- thinks maybe I’ll take 8 to her first Pearl Jam show

8- thinks the audience is clapping too loud during The Nutcracker

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.

There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s

It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.

“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.

I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.

My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.

Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”

roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep

why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too

Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.

Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?

Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.

“Pasta la veista, baby”

-Arnold Schwarzenoodles

My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.

So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi

[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*

I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?

“Google Glass”

I know what glass is, Catherine.

Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.

whoever named the grapefruit when there was already a fruit named grape…….incompetent legend. i wish we could hang out

Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol

you could hypothetically power a vehicle using a strong enough hot dog gun

The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?

If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back

ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish

CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this

Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work

*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*

Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”

Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”