Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!

all i want is to be as happy as this potato

date: I’ll have the chef’s salad

me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad

My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”

I think I’m good.

[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar

I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.

Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.

“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.

Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?

Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.

The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it

you’re damn right i have

“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.

FRIEND: so how are you?

ME: I’m well, thanks!

FRIEND: what’s new?

ME: not much!

FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?

ME: why are you doing this to me

I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor

Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…

The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.

Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy

Parents: omg yes

I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.

*wins $1000*

To claim your prize, create an account and password.

Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.

“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”

Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here

I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair

I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”

Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.

Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.

A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.

[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]

Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.

I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.

If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills

A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.

I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.