Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame

Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*

[out to eat with in-laws]

Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne

Wife: Hey these are my parents

Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water

[dinner theater]

Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun

Waiter: *winks* table or booth

Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL

🥴😂

I’m trying to shower you with affection. It doesn’t matter how I got into your bathroom.

Apparently it’s illegal to sell a bottle, a rag, and a pint of gasoline as fireworks to the neighborhood kids here in Nashville

shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!

fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts

scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot

I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear

You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”

I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.

In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.

Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.

Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack

Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.

Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.

A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.

My maternal instincts have never been so confused.

I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.

I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.

Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.

hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.

When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”

My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.

Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.

Not sure how it’s happened but my phone has started autocorrecting ‘thinking’ to ‘honking’ which has dramatically undermined about 90% of texts I’ve sent recently

Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.

Her: You should feel right at home then.

Me: 😐

I’ll never salute you, General Settings

CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.

I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.

Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?