Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
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Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
*wraps present*
Ugh. Where are the gift tags? Whatever, I’ll remember who it’s for.
[20 minutes later]
Shit.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
I forgot take my phone to the bathroom, so I had to start an argument about politics with the guy in the stall next to me
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
I feel this so hard
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Tastes like chicken.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.