Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
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*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
Given my tendency to overthink, it would be reasonable to expect my decisions to be better.