Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
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I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
I wish all tests were things you peed on
Never forget.
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
[watching Disney movie]
Daughter: this movie is dumb.
Me: why?
Daughter: the bad guy just told the good guy everything he was gonna do through song.
Me: yeah lol.
Daughter: when I’m a villain I will simply not sing my evil plan out loud for all to hear.
Me: smart-wait what?
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
They should make a movie where Hannibal becomes giant and is eating everyone. Then he watches the Ring tape on a giant screen and Sadako comes out and is huge and they fight
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.