Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”

Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.

I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”

I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.

I do want to see supervillain origin stories as films. But not the tragic event that forever warped their minds.
I want to see them, like, a few days after they decided to become villains and start trying to source goons, try out costume themes, real organizational stuff.

the three best gummy flavors, together at last

My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”

I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this

Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?

I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin

Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.

*Makes joke on Twitter*

*5 Retweets*

*Makes same joke on Facebook*

*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*

The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.

It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.

I have never related to anyone more.

Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss

Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel

I like my women with curves.

Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.

Note to Self:

‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’

the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/

cop: *vomits*
detective: first axe murder, huh?

“sticks and stones may break my bones”

“got it, thank you!”

“wait there’s more”

“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”

me: I quit my job as a waiter

wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?

me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda

*shows buyers around my home*

This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really

Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends

Neo:

Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland

Neo:

Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle

Neo: What-

Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle

(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?

Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.

Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?

If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.

Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.

My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.

There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right