Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it

white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”

“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows

I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.

Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!

This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.

Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.

I got shitfaced at a wedding and found some pills in a baggie in my jacket pocket. Took one, woke up the next morning; my dear reader I had swallowed a spare button.

[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]

My cat: lol no

*wakes up*
*looks at clock*

7:42 am

*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*

Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”

[crime scene]

Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.

Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.

Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.

Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America

Me: me too kid, me too

I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.

I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.

I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.

me: sord

English: sword

me: why

English: because i like it lol

me: that’s not a good anser

English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this

Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.

All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.

*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”

Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.

Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!

Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!

The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏

Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.

It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works

INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.

I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet

[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]

My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.

Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.

Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.