[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
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ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
I know so many people with cats and only a tiny number of them went to a shelter and picked out a cat.
Everyone else I know with a cat has a story that’s like “yeah he just moved in.”
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
AI is that friend who is always there for you but gives terrible advice.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
Already got one
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”