[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
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You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
As per my last nervous breakdown
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?
Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?
Parents: go to your room.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
After a certain age your body is like a car boot sale….
Some stuff looks old, some stuff doesn’t work, and some stuff you can’t even identify.
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
young sherlock holmes: that large clocktower is named big ben. therefore, when you ask “where is little ben,” you are referring to your watch — a miniature clock. a trick question, but one i will indulge. your wrist, madam
distraught mother: you were supposed to be watching him
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.