[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
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Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
my dream DUI is driving a Saab through the Great British Bake Off tent
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
It’s either five or nothing bro
– if wet wipes could talk
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
this is the single funniest twitter ad i’ve ever seen. it gets better the more you look at it. they used to have apple and nike advertising on this website
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
When you’re tweeting something ridiculous that’s happened in the American election, please clearly mark whether it’s real or a joke.
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.