[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
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Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
Oh, I bet you would be
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
I use a wheelchair. I’m in charge of distributing nonalcoholic beverages at parties. I roll with the punches.
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.