Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
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The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
seems fine
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Orcas are not our friends
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾