Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
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ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
*3.5 thank you very much.
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this