Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
You Might Also Like
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Not all heroes wear capes.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not having a midlife crisis you’re just awake.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
i know that the frontal lobe is not developed before age 25 because i got married when i was 24 and decided to get my first ever spray tan spontaneously on the day of my wedding.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.