Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
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At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
Me: *hasn’t eaten a tomato in 4 months*
“Ten tomato plants should do!”
Things will get butter, keep churning
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Personal question. #JustSaying
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.