Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
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There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
I need to know what happened here in 1620.
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
