Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
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You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?