Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
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when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
Life Hack: Replace your cat’s litter box with an Amazon box. When it’s full just tape it up and put it on your doorstep so someone steals it
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.