Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.

ㅤ

I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.

What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?

Payday

ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit

Nephew: What’s love?

Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.

Sister: Get away from him!

sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”

bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies

[at movie theatre]

Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it

Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol

Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.

Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!

My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.

If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.

I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic

convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”

Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.

Boss: You mean up?

Me: No, updog.

Boss: What’s updog?

Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.

Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.

If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.

The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.

My wife just opened my car door for me.

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.

I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave

Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!

Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind

Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class

Stop blaming your parents.

You’re 32.

Blame your spouse.

“Want me to tell you how to murder someone and get away with it?”

—my 9yo, making conversation at lunch. At a restaurant. In public.

Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.

Wife: It’s not until next week…

[one week later]

Sorry honey, I didn’t…

In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it

Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOA

Hold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying

I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.

[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please