Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
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If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
I’m nearly qualified to be a weaver. My final exam is looming.
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.