Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
You Might Also Like
if you have a disgusting hacking cough ask your doctor if the seat directly across from me on the bus is right for you
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
A leaf blower, but for people.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me