Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
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Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
In addition to the usual teeth cleaning pain, my wonderful dental hygienist heard “Runaway Train” come on and said “oh I haven’t heard the Goo Goo Dolls in years” and it was like 5 excruciating minutes before I could sputter “Soul Asylum”
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
when dads have a rap battle
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
Well, that’s one way to clear a train quickly.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.