Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day at seminary]

PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices

ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns

PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*

Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.

pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed

I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.

Wait a minute…

I know that I’m tall and pale and round, but there’s no need to call for the Ghostbusters and scream that Stay Puft is attacking the city again

If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.

Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.

i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus

*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*

Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio

whenever they do this I can only imagine athletes are telling each other who they have a crush on

One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!

Architects should try and design a house with no yelling

What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”

What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”

“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”

– Call Center Training

God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.

College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.

I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.

Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.

“Get in the van if you want to live.”

Creepy Terminator…

Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???

Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately

I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.

Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout

My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.

What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!

Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.

If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks

you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.