Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Doctors appt]

Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.

Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.

[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.

Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?

Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!

Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.

me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster

gf: you know you could have just taken a photo

Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.

Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂

Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from

Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?

I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium

I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”

All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.

Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.

Don’t forget to tip your server

I never give second chances, just 45 and then goodbye

[day 7 of quarantine]

zzz
　＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿
／＜_/＿＿＿＿／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

　　　∧_∧　oh no
　　 (　･ω･) im late for work
　 ＿|　⊃／(＿＿_
／　└-(＿＿＿_／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

　＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿ lol
／＜_/＿＿＿＿／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

Nobody:

Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.

I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.

If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.

Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally

Me: ok

Boss: like… don’t tho

From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.

Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.

Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?

Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.

I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.

Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.

Did you know that when you meet an Indian, you can choose not to mention “Slumdog Millionaire”?

Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone

Hey
@Boeing
, my neighbor Gary that mows at 8 am, is saying a lot of bad things about your company. DM me for address.

Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic

Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.

I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?