Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
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Crowdstrike : its fine u just have to manually visit the PC boot it into safe mode and remove a sys file
US Organization with 50,000 pcs and a completely outsourced IT department in Bangalore : what
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
If a woman has kids: should they not be at home looking after the kids
If a woman does not have kids: wow crazy cat lady
If a woman lures kids to her cottage made of gingerbread deep down in the woods: she’s a witch
Women can’t win
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
People are so trusting on mushroom forums. They ask for help identifying wild shrooms they found, and give you just one blurry picture taken from fifty yards away.
“Is this safe to eat? 🍄”
I’ve seen clearer pictures of Bigfoot, but yeah, go for it. It’s probably fine.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Today a coworker from another department was talking about her daughter, Haysleigh, and I guess I gave an eyebrow raise because she immediately said “like paisley but agricultural” then spelled it and I felt my soul leave my body
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
I wonder if my date ever found her way out of that corn maze.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all