Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
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Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
There are people that make their bed every morning and people who think it’s a waste of time and then they marry each other.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
Hilarious if literal: arms race
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
I wanna be friends with this person
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this