Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}

My daughter has this stuffed animal that you can heat up prior to cuddling with. I always feel like a psychopath doing this

[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff

My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.

*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?

I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.

is this store having a stroke wtf

my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎

🤣🤣

I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.

A choir of Spring onions

Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.

🤣🤣🤣🤣

My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.

Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.

Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.

A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.

I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…

Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.

Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’

Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’

[explaining why we got fat]

Friend: I had a baby

Me: I had a donut

Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?

Beyon-sleigh.

#Christmas #RubbishJokes

If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.

Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.

“They wanna come in but can’t get past the cats!”

*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*

Repeat

the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts

Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you

Fun Fact:

If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.

You’re welcome.

bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL

me: [exists]

bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY

Why my coworker hates me:

He sends meeting invite for 2pm.

I propose new time of 2:03.

He revises, sends update.

I decline meeting.