Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
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📽️movie date🎞️
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
oh my gosh!!
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
You can’t just say “Goddammit!” and expect Me to damn it. There’s a procedure. File the paperwork.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Qtips don’t just fall in the bathroom trash can they bounce right out on the floor according to my 23 yr old daughter
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
Overheard a baby crying in the grocery store the other day so I went over and joined him. I get it little dude, life is hard
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.