Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
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Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
Wednesday
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”