Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…

I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.

So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.

[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]

All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.

Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?

Sigh, women are so demanding..

A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.

Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…

Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.

To whom it may concern,

My family isn’t missing so I suspect you have the wrong address.
Please stop posting me human fingers.

Many thanks

[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one

her: [during sex] call me names

me: [panicking] optimus prime

I block people for being stupid.

…I block a lot of people.

how much for the angry fruit?

I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.

Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble

“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics

I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.

Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here

Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.

Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.

Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.

I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.

My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool

My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”

Me: I wish I never had to go outside

Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things

Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?

Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.

My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.

Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.

*watches Forensic Files for tips*

*taps pencil*

*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*

*taps pencil*

*pauses*

*underlines it*

My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.