Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀

Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other

I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…

BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?

ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses

DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?

*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?

I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.

Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.

Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.

GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?

ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this

My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.

Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.

Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.

When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me

“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.

He screamed.

“Happy birthday!” they said.

“Do I know you?”

“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”

One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.

founder of costco: [drunk as hell] it’s gonna have hot dogs and optometrists

you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs

It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.

Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.

I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.

Dream inside a dream
 – inception

Inn inside an inn
 – innception

Re: Re:
 – reception

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
 – email from your gran

My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness.

That came out of nowhere.

me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around

I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time

I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.

God: you can breathe underwater!

Fish: nice.

God: also eat and drink underwater.

Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?

God:

Fish: just on the land or something?

Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶

Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.

I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”