Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
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Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
Gemini: Sometimes you are your own worst enemy. Not today though. Today it is Jeff.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
almost typed dame instead of same and why don’t we say “same, dame” instead of “girl, same”
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.