Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
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[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
earlier I was standing in a queue to get into a show with my producer and she pointed at someone and said, “that’s Gerard Butler” and I sort of did a friendly wave at him, because I didn’t know who Gerard Butler was and I thought he was maybe one of her friends
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.