Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wasn’t feeling well so I googled my symptoms. I either have allergies or I died two days ago.

Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.

Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours

Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”

My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”

WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.

One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”

Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?

Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you

Men: Masters of multitasking – can watch sports, ignore laundry, and forget your birthday, all at once.

My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.

Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?

Her: no

Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?

just had a chilling thought… do br*t*sh and canadian people call it ‘dragon ball zed’ 🤢

If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile

The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”

We are all that mom.

I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does

[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy

Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.

I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.

If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢

wife: I’m having a baby.

me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.

[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?

Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]

Buyer message: $50

Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.

Waiter: And what would you like sir?

Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.

Entire restaurant: *gasps*

Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis

You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.

My favorite detail about the assassination is that the guy fled into an alley. That’s really hard to do in New York. We have like five of those and most are shut down to film law and order episodes.

But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?

i will avenge u mr van gogh