Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
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[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
DHL: Hi! We popped by!
Me: No you didn’t
DHL: But there wasn’t anyone in!
Me: Yes there was
DHL: Would you like us to divert your parcel to a local service point?
Me: *Sigh* fine
DHL: Well we can’t!
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
curly fries are my favorite as they’re salty and spiraling, like me.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
Other people were raised to kiss the chef if they found a bay leaf in their food too, right? Why is this restaurant asking me to leave
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
Math at Halloween.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
for all #parents out there
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.