Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
You Might Also Like
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
#dnd #ttrpg
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no