Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
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Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
spending money is too easy, for my bank account’s sake i need a bridge troll to ask me three riddles before i buy something
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
Me: I have a toothache
WebMD: Your dad is the Zodiac killer
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
They’re not wrong
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.