Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
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[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
Got complimented on my ebike by a guy in Minute Man Oil truck; he said he’s gonna get one so yeah, you could say I’m making headway with Big Oil.
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.