Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
You Might Also Like
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have neighbors who hand out vegetables for Halloween.
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.