someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
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for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?