someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
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*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
Guide to being Batman
1 Lose parents. Inherit everything
2 Let people get murdered
3 Never murder the Joker because he’s the best at puns
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
[a melon-choly exchange]
Honeydew you love me? Let’s run away & get married
Cantaloupe. My parents would kill me
*annnnd, scene*
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
One day I’m gonna be like “and then we used to lick the envelopes to seal them” and some kid is gonna think I’m out of my goddamn mind
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
Where is your GOD now????
