someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
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[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
wife yelling down to basement: you guys aren’t trying to contact spirits down there are ya??
me coughing bc I sat too close to the burning sage: we’re playing poker
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
How does someone manage that 🤨
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
My Uber driver has crazy rules. I can talk, but anything I say can be used against me in a court of law?
It’s also kind of alarming that he has a full laptop setup and a shotgun in his front seat.
The cuffs I understand. Never can be too careful.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
Explaining to my wife that she should induce labor now so our son will be the first kid named Cybertruck.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band