Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person

Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot

I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit

estão todos miauvindo?

Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?

I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.

“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?

Ladies, why y’all do this?

MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.

Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg

I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.

Tampons should yell “OH YEAH” in the Kool Aid man’s voice when they’re full

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.

One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!

Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe

I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.

The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.

Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!

Do I wish for flying pigs?

Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices

*has idea
*starts building catapult

Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?

Her: I like guys that are confident

Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire

The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey

Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.

I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.

Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!

My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals

Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out

<enter password>

me

<password is too short>

meonstilts

<password must have at least one special character>

meandbatmanonstilts

the way she just yells ‘STOP IT!’ in a drive by telling off to the two riding goats as she runs past on her way to rescue the other one – I can’t breathe

Caveman Summer

Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs

There was romance over dinner last night.

Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.